Expectations

Primarily Written by Gage Taylor

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You are probably familiar with the story of Goldilocks and the three bears. Remember each time when Goldilocks ate the porridge, sat in the chairs or tried out the beds she finally found her perfect comfort on the third try. The pattern was the same every time, a little too much..., not quite enough..., until finally she got it just right. When it comes to expectations within your marriage it really isn’t that much different. We can have too high of expectations, too low of expectations, or just the right balance.

Expecting Too Much

Numerous scholars have argued that at no other time in history have Americans placed such tremendous expectations on marriage 3. Due to these rising marital expectations, successful marriages require a greater investment of time, effort, and resources into cultivating the

relationship than in decades past 4. Naturally, the question we will ask ourselves after learning this is, are my expectations for my marriage too high? While it is no doubt good to be shooting for a high mark the issues begin when our expectations start putting added pressure on our relationship and cause us to be anxious or stressed out about our marriage. Along with this we also need to ask ourselves, am I placing too high of expectations on my spouse? And is this causing them to feel overwhelmed? (ex. Do I expect him/her to flawlessly meet all of my needs?) Be careful not to be perfectionists. Trying to live up to such incredibly high standards may drive you crazy or cause you to get burnt out.

Activity: Think of a time when so much was expected of you (ex. your job, a team, or from a teacher or parent). How did this affect your daily performance?

Expecting Too Little

Maybe you are now entertaining the thought that if I have low expectations then there will be no added pressure on my marriage and we won’t be disappointed when something goes wrong. While it might sound like a solution, when it comes to something as important as marriage it won’t quite work that way. Surely you can imagine the danger of expecting hardly anything from your marriage or from your spouse. (ex. Thinking I don’t expect my marriage to provide me happiness, I have other hobbies for that.) Donald Baucom, who did a study on marriage expectations, tells us that sometimes what you expect is what you get 1. If expecting less becomes your casual approach to marriage you will soon find yourself less involved and less invested. Don’t set your marriage up for failure by doing this. Lastly, we want to make the point that you should NEVER expect your marriage to fail. Don’t expect it and don’t let others influence you to believe it either. Your marriage can be the best relationship you’ve ever had and that’s what we hope for you to expect as well.

Activity: This time think about an opposite experience. When was a time when practically nothing was expected of you? Did you find yourself achieving less or even just sliding by?

Just Right

We understand that each couple has a different dynamic to their marriage, but generally there are a few indicators to help you recognize if you and your spouse have established a good balance of expectations. We encourage you to consider some of these thoughts and then talk about it with your spouse, one on one, to create your very own “Just right”. As a first thought, expect your marriage to take some effort as we mentioned in being intentional. “Many people readily agree with the notion that a good marriage takes work 7.” Another important thing to

keep in mind as you adjust expectations is making sure you and your spouse feel like what you expect from each other is fair. Couples in inequitable marriages report more feelings of depression and are more distressed than those in equitable marriages 2.

The last bit of advice we add is don’t expect your relatively young marriage to look exactly like that happy couple’s marriage who have been together for many years. Impressive marriages are what they are because those couples are refined from years and years of experience. If you see an impressive marriage we invite you to look up to it as an example of what your marriage can be, not as a harsh comparison that diminishes your motivation for not being there already. In short, have great expectations for your marriage. Expect some ups, expect some downs, but above all expect yourselves to be in complete control of how long and happy your marriage will be together.

Along with finding that sweet spot for your marriage expectations we’ve included two very applicable sections that we know will be helpful to you in today's day and age. Take a peek.

Social Media

DON’T let social media set the bar for your marriage expectations! Let your partnership set those expectations. It has been found that viewing romantic genres and or indulging yourself in social media can unrealistically raise your expectations about marriage 5. Unfortunately these unattainable expectations for having a perfect relationship and creating the perfect love story are giving us an inaccurate view of what love and marriage really look like. If you buy into these easy love myths then you will naturally feel disappointment when even the smallest bumps occur in your marriage. Specifically, we invite you to consider how you feel when you see other couples’ posts that they have made over social media.

Try to remember some of your thoughts you’ve had while scrolling in the last couple weeks. Do you recognize thoughts or feelings such as, “I wish we would…” or “Why doesn’t my spouse…” or “I deserve…”? If you personally feel like some of these things are hurting your marriage, then we invite you to make a change. Wise couples expect a few bumps in the road, in fact they anticipate them. They see the whole picture.

As a side note, consider what someone else might think and feel about your next post. Is what you’re posting giving your friends and family any false ideas?

The Power of Gratitude

Expectations get inflated when we get greedy, feel entitled, tell ourselves we need more and more, or when we think life will finally get good once I have (blank). One extremely effective way to increase your happiness and marital satisfaction right now is to be grateful. There are many things to be thankful for. Studies show that even just by being married you will on average have improved health, be happier, and even live longer 6. Having your spouse at your side is a blessing and expressing it to your spouse will strengthen your relationship.

Dr. John M. Gottman, who has studied marriage for countless years, emphasizes the importance of being fond of your spouse and sharing your admiration for them. In his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, he includes an activity to help couples communicate this gratitude. Do the following exercise to help you think more about what you can be thankful for and how you can convey that to your spouse. There’s a good chance your spouse will express their appreciation right back.

Cherishing Your Partner

Part One: From the list below, check ten qualities that you cherish in your partner. For each, note one recent occasion when your partner displayed it. Then say to yourself, “I am really lucky to be with my partner.” Keep this list handy, and use it when you are alone to focus on your fond

feelings toward your partner and trigger a sense of gratitude.

Part Two: Write your partner a love note expressing how much you cherish him or her for these qualities. Read it aloud to your partner during a romantic date.

What I really cherish about my partner is that she or he is so:

Just remember that having a partner is having an asset. You and your spouse can do more together than you could ever do alone.

Questions to consider

How have your expectations already changed in the time since you got married?

What does my spouse expect our marriage to look like?

Am I meeting my spouse’s expectations?

What do I expect my marriage to look like in 5 years? 10 years? 20 years?

References

1. Baucom, D. H., Epstein, N., Rankin, L. A., & Burnett, C. K. (1996). Assessing relationship standards: The inventory of specific relationship standards American Psychological Association, Inc. Retrieved from https://byui.idm.oclc.org/login?url=https://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&AuthType=ip&db=edsgao&AN=edsgcl.18216580&site=eds-live&scope=site

2. Schafer, R. B., & Keith, P. M. (1980). Equity and depression among married couples Retrieved from https://byui.idm.oclc.org/login?url=https://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&AuthType=ip&db=edb&AN=13666188&site=eds-live&scope=site

3. Neff, L. A., & Morgan, T. A. (2014). The rising expectations of marriage: What we do and do not know doi:10.1080/1047840X.2014.878234

4. Neff, L. A., & Geers, A. L. (2013). Optimistic expectations in early marriage: A resource or vulnerability for adaptive relationship functioning? American Psychological Association, Inc. Retrieved from https://byui.idm.oclc.org/login?url=https://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=edsbig&AN=edsbig.A337867256&site=eds-live&scope=site

5. Segrin, C., & Nabi, R. L. (2002). Does television viewing cultivate unrealistic expectations about marriage? Wiley Subscription Services, Inc. Retrieved from https://byui.idm.oclc.org/login?url=https://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=edsgao&AN=edsgcl.101351523&site=eds-live&scope=site

6. Kiecolt-Glaser, J., & Newton, T. L. (2001). Marriage and health: His and hers American Psychological Association, Inc. Retrieved from https://byui.idm.oclc.org/login?url=https://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&AuthType=ip&db=edsbig&AN=edsbig.A76547568&site=eds-live&scope=site

7. Gottman, John M. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.