The Power of Being Intentional

Written by Kirsten, Makenna, and Gage

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Have you ever had that moment of realization where you had something on your to-do list, but you completely forgot about doing it? Let me tell you, this happens to me (Kirsten) all of the time… Yeah, I know, you are probably thinking, “Teacher! Aren’t you supposed to be good at this stuff by now?” I have the tendency to think that same thing, but I have learned that the completion of desired tasks only comes after intentionally deciding to do them.

A huge contributor to the progress of becoming more intentional in my life has been identifying my weak spots. What things contribute to me rerouting or derailing my plans to do something, even when I know it is critical and important to my life? For me, relationships are probably number one on my list. I am so quick to put off homework, self-care, and health for another person. I want to show up for people’s lives, but in doing so, I neglect showing up for mine. Though interpersonally this could be considered a valuable characteristic, it is actually quite an unhealthy behavior when it comes to what I really need. Lacking intentionality in this way could really damage my marriage if it was to persist.

Why in the world do I share this with you? I want you to understand that intentionality requires honesty with yourself, and with your partner. My husband is able to help me be more intentional in how I am spending my time, helping me prioritize the most important things. Sometimes the most important thing is caring for myself, sometimes it is maintaining boundaries in order to be closer to my spouse, and sometimes the priority is other humans that I dearly want to be involved with.

What are some of your weaknesses when it comes to intentionality? What do you and your spouse want to be doing together that you seem to always neglect? What needs to change in order for you to take the step forward?

Being Intentional in Marriage

How does this apply to marriage? In marriage, you have to choose both what to do, and what not to do. You have to decide what you want, and then you have to make a plan of how you are going to achieve that ideal state of the relationship.

William J. Doherty, PhD, is a professor at the University of Minnesota who has contributed work and discovery to the understanding we have of marital relationships today. Doherty said, “Many of us don’t think we have enough time to make our marriage relationship a high priority in daily life.1” it is made clear that without being intentional, we will continue to feel this way.

We often create mental goals and ideals for the benefit of our marriage, but “it takes mindfulness and self-discipline to make the relationship a priority1”.

You can say “we are never going to get divorced”, but there is SO much more that goes into achieving that goal. Intentionality is a choice, and you have to be intentional every single day.

How are you and your spouse going to spend your time together? Are you going to try new things this year? Are you going to be healthier? Are you going to break or create a habit? What does intimacy look like between the two of you and what can you do to create a stronger bond with one another?

These are all questions that require action. Being intentional means choosing to act. Choosing to love your spouse is a daily decision. Here at Marital Roots “falling out of love” is an actionless phrase that suggests you have no power over your circumstance. Ladies and Gents, you cannot live day to day without intentionally serving, loving, forgiving, speaking with, and choosing your spouse. If you do not intentionally do these things, your marriage will suffer.

Commitment

Being intentional is one of the most important parts of your marriage! Many couples choose to separate, say things like, “We just fell out of love.” We know falling in love is much more carefree than staying in love, but nonetheless, love is a choice. It can be hard work to stay in love, but with intentionality, the years to come can become more than you can imagine. Being intentional in all aspects of your marriage makes all the difference. Choosing to stay committed is an act of intentionality that will help you and your spouse stay in love through any of the winds that might come.

For the purpose of this lesson, commitment is defined as a feeling of belonging to your spouse. This feeling of belonging to your spouse determines much of your thoughts and actions. I (Makenna) am sure that you already know that just because you get married, does not mean your commitment to your spouse will stay the same forever. Commitment can grow and lessen throughout your years of being together, so it is important that you are very intentional about choosing to become more and more committed to your marriage. One of the most important marital roots you’ll grow and strengthen is your level of commitment to your spouse.

Interdependence is when two people are dependent on one another; a huge part of commitment is willingness to relying on your spouse. “The level of interdependence in a relationship is determined by [the] partners’ level of satisfaction with the relationship and their perceptions of the quality of alternatives to the relationship3”. Part of becoming more committed to your spouse is choosing to be intentionally satisfied. I know it isn’t always easy to choose to be happy. But choosing to be happy with your spouse, seeing the good in your relationship, and being satisfied by it will strengthen and help your marriage.

Doing a self-reflection of your commitment level might help you better see where you are and what you can work on. Ask yourself the following questions from Scott Stanley’s Assessment of Dedication Commitment by using this 7-point scale: 1 = strongly disagree, 4 = neither agree nor disagree, and 7 = strongly agree3.

1. My relationship with my partner is more important to me than almost anything else in my life.

2. I want this relationship to stay strong no matter what rough times we may encounter.

3. It makes me feel good to sacrifice for my partner.

4. I like to think of myself and my partner more in terms of “us” and “we” than “me” and “him [or her].”

5. I am not seriously attracted to anyone other than my partner.

6. My relationship with my partner is clearly part of my future life plans.

7. When push comes to shove, my relationship with my partner comes first.

8. I tend to think about how things affect us as a couple more than how things affect me as an individual.

9. I don’t often find myself thinking about what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone else.

10. I want to grow old with my partner.

What can you do to become more committed to your spouse? What is your action plan? We want you to know that if you scored low on this self-assessment, you don’t need to worry. We don’t want you to be discouraged, we want your results to motivate you to improve your habits. Becoming more committed is in no way easy, but it is possible. When thinking about belonging to your spouse, don’t you want to belong to him/her more as well as him/her belong to you more? “...Relationship commitment grows as satisfaction and investments increase”. Friends, please keep investing in your marriage3!

A principle we found that goes hand in hand with commitment and intentionality in marriage is forgiveness. It is important to us that you understand that your commitment to your spouse is highly impacted by your willingness to forgive them. Research has found that forgiveness is not a one-time event or action, but a type of process2. You need to forgive every single day. Your satisfaction with your marriage, and your spouse as a person, is impacted by your forgiveness of each other2. With this being said, commitment and forgiveness are both intentional choices; they require action!

We are confident that if you ask any successfully married couple about the importance of being intentional in their relationship, they will tell you that it is important, and that it takes effort. All good things require effort and patience. Remember that in order to obtain the relationship you dream about, you have to choose to make changes, act, and continue to be intentional every day.

Start TONIGHT!!!

After reading this lesson, we hope you have an increased desire to be more intentional in your marriage. We hope you have felt some excitement about your potential for increasing your commitment and satisfaction, as well as coming closer together as a couple. We hope you have started to think about what you can do to be more intentional in your marriage. Ask yourself this question: “What is a list of things we can start doing together to feel more connected”? Jot down any thoughts you have that can benefit your marriage! These thoughts you record can be great conversation starters for you and your spouse.

A Hint of Advice

If both you and your spouse are reading this lesson, terrific! If you are reading this on your own, be wise about how you begin to implement these principles. Keep in mind that a sudden surge of excitement and statements such as, “Babe I think we should start doing (blank)” and “I had this great idea of us starting to do (blank)” may be overwhelming for someone who hasn’t read this lesson. We don't want your spouse to feel like they are getting a bomb dropped on them.

Making significant changes in your marriage should not feel one-sided, and the above approach would probably result in some resistance. We invite you to ease your way into these discussions with your spouse. One of the main reasons being intentional is so effective in propelling a relationship forward is because it is a choice. Trying to force upon your partner certain changes you want or having to convince them into agreeance is not giving them the opportunity to choose as you have. Let them express what they feel. Things will work best when decisions are made together.

You Have the Power

Remember, your marriage doesn’t have to be perfect by sunrise tomorrow, but you need to start acting today.

You have already chosen your spouse, and you continue to do so every day!

You have to choose today. And you will have to choose tomorrow! We don’t know the details of your specific relationship, but we do know you have already chosen your spouse. Trust your choice and continue to make it a good choice. Be intentional in how you nurture the relationship you have entered. You can do it!

Though you cannot choose what your spouse does or does not do, you can choose what you do!

Marriage takes work! But we know that as you strive to be intentional in your everyday marriage, your roots will grow stronger and stronger. We hope the skills we provide and teach will allow you to more confidently choose your spouse each day.

Like we mentioned at the beginning of this lesson, being intentional requires you to understand where you are at, what your strengths and weaknesses are, and what you want. Take control of your marriage by doing the things that are healthiest for your marriage and stop doing things that are toxic and stunting your growth.

Each of the following lessons require you to be intentional in your application of the principles we will teach you. Because of this, we encourage you to choose.

Choose to act! Choose to change! Choose your marriage!

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References

1. Doherty, William J. (2013). Take back your marriage: Sticking together in a world that pulls us apart. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

2. Fincham, F. D., Hall, J., & Steven, R. H. B. (2006). Forgiveness in marriage: Current status and future directions. Family Relations, 55(4), 415-427. https://byui.idm.oclc.org/login?url=https://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspxdirect=true&AuthType=ip&db=edsjsr&AN=edsjsr.40005337&site=eds-live&scope=site.

3. Stanley, Scott M., Rhoades, Galena K., Whitton, Sarah W. (2010). Commitment: Functions, formation, and the securing of romantic attachment. J Fam Theory Rev. 2(4) 243-257. Doi:10.1111/j,1756-2589.2010.00060.x.