Intimacy
- MaritalRoots
- Mar 20, 2020
- 9 min read
Written by Kirsten, Makenna, and Gage
The topic of intimacy is meaningful and personal, but we felt the need to teach you a little more about what the research has found about intimacy in marriage. The word or idea of intimacy is greatly associated with sex, but we want you to understand that there is so much more to intimacy than sexual touch and intercourse. For this lesson we are going to split intimacy into three domains: physical, sexual, and emotional. Each of these domains has an influence on the closeness you feel with your spouse, which is why we want you to understand their importance.
We understand that each of you is going to differ on where you fall on the scale of intimacy, but we want you to know that whether you perceive the intimate details of your marriage as outstanding, mediocre, unbalanced, or in need of some help, this lesson is applicable to you. Our desire is for you to grow closer to your spouse through understanding your current intimacy patterns, being able to make healthy changes, and being able to more fully enjoy the time you spend with your spouse.
Some things we want you to think about while reading are:
What does each domain of intimacy look like for my marriage?
When do we feel most intimate?
How can I be better attuned to my spouse’s intimate needs?
Emotional Intimacy
Most all of our marriages have SO MUCH POTENTIAL for increased emotional intimacy. Let us show you what we mean. In a recent study of young professional couples, researchers in Los Angeles calculated (after monitoring them 24/7) that the average amount of time they actually engaged in conversation was thirty-five minutes. A week!5 Sometimes we too can get into a routine in life and our efforts of getting to know our spouse can slip a little bit. While we still might see our partner every day, this can give us the wrong impression that we spend almost all day with them and that we know everything about them. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Take into account the older couple that still says, “We learn something new about each other every day.” Like we talked about in the lesson on being intentional, we invite you to deliberately seek to learn more about your spouse.
What can you gain from making time to get to know your spouse? Consider just 3 of the numerous benefits.
1. Friendship
Do you consider your spouse to be one of your best, if not your best friend? Friends enjoy each other’s company, openly share what’s on their minds, and have each other’s backs. Think about the best friend you have ever had. Now think about how you became best friends with that person and what you did to gain that relationship. If it seems reasonable to incorporate into your marriage now, try doing some of these exact same things you did in the past. One practice that can help you deepen your friendship is taking an interest in each other's hobbies and passions. Being unselfish in this way and showing your spouse that you care about them will make all the difference. If he/she has something that fascinates them, try to understand why. If your spouse has a reason to be excited, be excited with them. Doing these things will help you two become the best of friends.
“...happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.”5
2. Sharing Goals
When you and your spouse share goals you automatically become a team and strive to help each other accomplish your hopes and dreams. Are you currently aware of your spouse’s hopes and dreams? Getting to know what your spouse wants to achieve in the future will help you learn what they view as important and why that goal means so much to them. One of the great things about setting goals together is that you and your spouse can see improvements in your marriage and celebrate those successes together. Please make sure to celebrate these accomplishments. It will help you and your spouse enjoy life and appreciate your hard work. Lastly, knowing and sharing each other's goals helps you build trust. As you are accountable to each other you will develop a trust between yourselves that will reinforce your marriage and help you stay committed to one another. You will be able to lean on each other in times of need and form the habit of being there for each other.
“...the more shared meaning you can find, the deeper, richer, and more rewarding your relationship will be.”5
3. Being Connected
To make your marriage connection your strongest connection in life, you’ll have to consider what things in life you are most connected to. Are you closer to your spouse than your job? Closer to them than your hobbies, the TV, and even your other close friends?3 A good indicator of what we feel a connection to is where we spend our time. When given down time, how do you spend it? Spending time together is crucial to fueling your relationship’s connection. Remember the 35-minute stat from before? You can easily beat this average if you take advantage of your spare time and use it to get to know your spouse. Realistically, we understand you may not feel like you have much free time to begin with, but if you see an opening in your schedule seize the opportunity! Once you have decided to take the time to invest in your marriage you have plenty of options to do something valuable; schedule an activity to do together, set up a romantic date, or designate a time to simply talk and unwind together. The main point is to give yourselves a chance to connect. Give yourselves a moment to lose track of time and talk face to face.
“There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood.”4
Physical & Sexual Intimacy
Intimacy is all about being close to your spouse. Sexual and physical intimacy are some of the most important and exciting ways in marriage to grow closer together as husband and wife. One of the most important things to do first is get to know your spouse. It takes work and time to get to know each other physically and sexually. You must express your needs, expectations, and desires for both your sexual and physical intimacy together.
John Gottman, Ph. D, from the Gottman Institute, stresses the importance of creating love maps for our spouses. These maps include everything there is to know about our spouses; their likes, dislikes, needs, what makes them who they are, etc. Creating a love map for your spouse has the ability to bring the two of you closer and helps you become more capable to satisfy their intimate needs. Gottman says, “if you don’t start off with a deep knowledge of each other, it’s easy for your marriage to lose its way when your lives shift so suddenly and dramatically” 1.
Sexual and physical intimacy are important to your marriage. Get to know your spouse physically and sexually.
At Martial Roots, we believe it is important to make a distinction between physical and sexual intimacy; we believe they are two totally separate things. Though they go hand in hand, it is vital to a thriving relationship that both physical and sexual intimacy are present. Physical intimacy is any physical touch that is not sexual/doesn’t lead to sex. Hand holding, kissing, and snuggling can all be included. Sexual intimacy is anything that leads to or is involved in having intercourse.
The reason it is so important to define the difference between these types of intimacy is to make sure couples understand that both are needed and necessary. Of course, there needs to be physical intimacy in a marriage to ensure that both spouses feel loved and connected. Sexual intimacy has the power to unify a couple almost better than anything else when expectations are clear. There is a time and place for both types of intimacy.
Knowing each other’s needs and expectations for both sexual and physical intimacy is critical to your marriage. We encourage you to discuss some of the following questions with your spouse:
What is one thing you love about our physical and sexual intimacy?
What is one thing that could improve our physical intimacy? Sexual intimacy?
Are there any needs you feel aren’t being met?
It is essential that you be honest with your spouse and with yourself. Helping each other understand yourself (yourselves) better can improve your relationship and bring you closer together. It is impossible to be truly intimate in one area and not the other. All types of intimacy are important, necessary, and foundational to a lasting, happy marriage.
I’m sure all married couples have a desire to have a happy and healthy physically and sexually intimate life, including you and your spouse. Dr. John Gottman advises that “building a great sex life is not rocket science” 4. He suggests that there are 13 things every couple who reports having an amazing sex life together do:
They say “I love you” every day and mean it
They kiss one another passionately for no reason
They give surprise romantic gifts
They know what turns their partners on and off erotically
They are physically affectionate, even in public
They keep playing and having fun together
They cuddle
They make sex a priority, not the last item of a long to-do list
They stay good friends
They can talk comfortably about their sex life
They have weekly dates
They take romantic vacations
They are mindful about turning toward [each other] 4
When assessing how your intimacy is in this subject, consider the list of 13. Do you do any of those things? Could you do any of those items better? What goals do you have for your sex life with your spouse?
Sex is a way to relieve stress and bring joy to your life and relationship. Of course, the details of your intimate life are between you and your spouse, but we do feel it is important for us to remind you that sex should be fun and exciting. “Sex can be such a fun way to share with each other and deepen your sense of intimacy” 5. With everything else going on in your life, we understand that it is easy to push sex to the back burner. Sex needs to be a consistent and regular item in your marriage that holds a high priority.
Even with it being planned for, to ensure you make time to get it done, it can be lively, fun, and even breathtaking. It is so important that as a couple, you are intentional in what you create your sex life to be.
Are you still flirting together? Is your relationship still exciting? Is your relationship still spontaneous? These things help improve your sex life. It is the small and simple things that improve intimacy in all forms.
Taking Care of Your Bond
One thing to remember is that intimacy between spouses may vary in experience. What we mean by this, is that while you may experience a greater sense of connectedness with your spouse through sexual intimacy, your spouse may differ from you in that they feel more connected to you when their emotional needs are being met through emotionally intimate moments. Understanding the role of intimacy for each of you as individuals, as well as together as a marital unit is essential to creating an enduring marriage.7
As we have mentioned, we want you to feel close with your spouse! “Shared interests, activities, thoughts, feelings, values, joys, and pains” all create a space for the development of closeness with your spouse.7 The “involvement with one another through [the] good times [and] the bad” contribute to the creation of healthy intimacy.7 We want you to look at wherever you currently are in your relationships, and view it as the starting point for growth.
Let’s look at these three models that help us to simplify intimacy:
John Van Epp, PhD, created an intimacy equation: Intimacy = Time + Talk + Togetherness.8
The author Joe Beam teaches that the critical elements to intimacy are communication, time, and action, with the state of the heart being the stage for which intimacy is created.2
Laura M. Brotherson, CFLE, teaches that there are three dimensions to wholeness: mind, body, and spirit. Strengthening intimacy creates wholeness, both for the spouses individually and together as a unit.2
What is the biggest thing we can learn from these teachings? In order to strengthen your intimate bond with your spouse, you must understand that intimacy is multidimensional! Working to better develop each type of intimacy within your marriage will strengthen every aspect of your marriage. We invite you to apply the principles that we have taught you; they are essential for creating a stronger, intimate bond with your spouse.
References
1.Brittle, Z. (2015). Build love maps. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/build-love-maps/
2.Brotherson, Laura M. (2017). And they were not ashamed: Strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Boise, ID: Inspire Book.
3.Doherty, William J. (2013). Take Back Your Marriage. New York, NY: The Guilford Press
4.Gottman, J. (2017). Building a great sex life is not rocket science. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/building-great-sex-life-not-rocket-science/
5.Gottman, John M. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.
6.Hinchliff, Sharron., Gott, Marryn. (2004). Intimacy, commitment, and adaptation: Sexual relationships within long-term marriages. 21, 595-609.
7.Robinson, Linda C., Blanton, Pracilla W. (1993). Marital strengths in enduring marriages. Family relations. 42, 38-45.
8.Van Epp, John. (2008). How to avoid falling in love with a jerk: The foolproof way to follow your heart without losing your mind. New York: McGraw-Hill Professional Publishing.
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