The Truth About Stress
- MaritalRoots
- Mar 20, 2020
- 6 min read
Primarily written by Makenna Hemmingsen
Everyone experiences stress; that’s a given. We each experience day-to-day normal stress like traffic, or getting to appointments on time, and so on. We also experience rare stress that happens infrequently like the death of a family member or selling a home. Some of us, unfortunately, also experience uncommon and abnormal stress like the death of a young spouse or a chronic disease.
How do we experience all these types of stress and still stay active and present in our marriage? How do we turn towards our spouse in times of hardship rather than away from them? How do we stop ourselves from blaming them or taking our stress out on them?
When I was a senior in high school, a terrible storm came through my home town. This storm blew the roof off of my family’s house, which flooded with inches of water from all the rain. It was a disaster. It was devastating. Most of my family’s belongings were ruined and we had to pack up what little we could and move into a hotel for three months. Years before, my family had built this home with our own hands, blood, sweat, and tears. Losing your home in any circumstances would be overwhelming but losing the home we all slaved over for fourteen months was heartbreaking. As I felt like our little world was crashing down, I watched my parents turn towards one another and become stronger. They relied on one another, helped each other, and became a better couple together. How did they do it?
Changing your Mindset
Eustress is known as good stress that is healthy and positive for us. Distress is bad stress that can be unhealthy and not good for us. So many of us believe that stress in general, no matter the circumstances, is bad for us. I disagree. Watch this TED talk by Kelly McGonigal, a health psychologist and professor at Stanford University, about the truth of stress.
Stress is a good thing and can actually be healthy for our bodies and minds 1. Stress can motivate us to be better and do better. The first step to learning how to handle stress better in your marriage is changing your mindset about stress. By believing that stress is okay and not harmful, you choose to change your chances of handling stress well 2. “When you choose to view your stress response as helpful, you create the biology of courage" 3. If you believe you can overcome the stressful events in your life, you will. Now, I know that is much easier said than done. But with a little practice, your stress will soon become your friend rather than your foe.
Taking Care of the Stress
It is important that you take the time to get to know yourself and understand what you need to do to handle stress. I understand that at times it might feel hard to take the time away from your spouse to take care of yourself, but it is an act of love. By taking care of yourself, you can better take care of your spouse and marriage. You cannot draw from an empty well; you cannot give anything to your spouse if you have nothing to offer. You must discover, on your own, the ways you relieve stress.
One way to relieve stress is to do activities that are energy boosters. “Energy boosters help alleviate stress. Energy boosters can be defined as those which help an individual renew energy to take on new tasks”4. These can be things like exercising, taking a power nap, etc. Renewing your energy helps you to cope with your stress and enables you to be there for your spouse, help them cope, and continue growing together.
What are some of your energy boosters?
You can also relieve stress by doing some of your favorite hobbies like meditating, talking to a friend, or finding something that will make you laugh 5. It’s important that as you discover what helps you relieve stress, you ask yourself, are my stress relievers temporary or are they helping heal and fix my peace of mind? We don’t want to just slap a band-aid on our wounds and pretend like we’re healed. We need to relieve stress in effective and lasting ways.
Are your stress relievers temporary or lasting?
Another way to relieve stress is to use the Eisenhower Matrix to determine what obligations are taking your time and energy that might not need to. It is okay for you to say no; though you can do a lot, you cannot do it all. By separating tasks and responsibilities into four categories, urgent and important, not urgent but important, not important but urgent, and not urgent or important, you can create a more balanced and stress-free schedule 6. By listing your tasks in these four quadrants, you can see what you need to do first, what you can schedule, what can be delegated, and what you shouldn’t worry about and should just eliminate.
What can you let go of?
Where do you need to be spending more time?
Relying on Your Spouse
Frequently, when faced with a difficult time, spouses find themselves trying to solve problems on their own, feeling more frustrated with their spouse than normal, and turning away from their spouse mentally, emotionally, and even physically. Learning how to use your spouse as a resource of strength and support can help troubled times blow over more smoothly. By changing your mindset and taking care of yourself, you are on a path to relying on your spouse. Choose to rely on your spouse. Choose to confide in them. Choose to let them help ease your burdens. Choose to turn towards them.
How can you better rely on your spouse?
You also want to be available to be turned to by your spouse.Of course, with too much stress on your plate, your spouse might choose not to turn to you as to not add any more to your load. By coping well, you become better able to be relied on and turned to. As Kelly McGonigal taught us, “caring [creates] resilience” 8. Taking the time to care for your spouse will actually help you cope with your stress better. It will help you bounce back from your rough moments stronger and happier than before 9.You want your spouse to know they can turn to you just as you want to be able to turn to them.
As a couple and individual, you don’t want to just survive, you want to thrive. Choosing to change your opinions of stress and taking care of yourself and your stress will help you turn to your spouse and be available to be turned to. “When you choose to view stress [in a helpful] way, you’re not just getting better at stress. You’re actually making a pretty profound statement. You’re saying that you can trust yourself to handle life’s challenges” 10. Handling stress is both a personal and a couple matter. After a stressful event, you can either come out worse, the same as before or better; trials and stress have the power to either hurt your marriage or empower it. Trust yourself. Trust your spouse. Choose to be intentional in dealing with stress. Let your stress build and strengthen your marriage.
Questions to Ponder
So much of our process of learning and growing as humans comes from self-reflection. Take some time to ponder these questions and answer them honestly. Writing down your thoughts might be the most helpful way for optimal learning.
What are some of your energy boosters?
Are your stress relievers temporary or lasting?
Where does each of your tasks and responsibilities fit in on the Eisenhower Matrix?
What can you let go of?
Where do you need to be spending more time?
How can you better rely on your spouse?
Disclaimer: The authors of this online curriculum are not therapists and are not authorized to give personalized advice to any of the readers. The content of this lesson plan is the creation of the authors alone and does not represent any other entity or organization.
References
6, 7:Introducing the Eisenhower Matrix. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.eisenhower.me/eisenhower-matrix/
1, 2, 3, 8, 9, 10 : McGonigal, K. [TED]. (2013, September 4). How to make stress your friend. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcGyVTAoXEU
4, 5: Turaga, R. (2019). Stress Management Techniques. IUP Journal of Soft Skills, 13(3), 56–64.
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