The Power of Boundaries

Primarily written by Kirsten Doxey

What are Boundaries?

Brene Brown, PhD, a researcher and professor for the University of Houston, gives one of the best definitions for boundaries that I (Kirsten) have heard; she defines boundaries simply as, what is okay, and what is not okay 2. Boundaries are not just an imaginary bubble that some of us might have around us, wanting no one to enter in for the sake of privacy, cleanliness, or safety. Boundaries are limits that are communicated to those around you, in order to help them understand what is acceptable and not acceptable to you.

There are surface level boundaries, those that are easier to recognize, and deeper level boundaries, those that take more time and effort to recognize and establish.

Boundaries are necessary for our individual lives, but they are essential for marriage. Marital boundaries look like having a clear understanding from both partners about what is okay and not okay for your marriage. Boundaries between spouses, with extended family, with friends, and with communication (both in person and via technology or media) are some instances where boundaries in marriage are needed.

One way to effectively create boundaries is by choosing to have the discussion about what is and isn’t okay in your marriage. You may want to start by asking question such as:

Do you discuss the details about your marriage with friends or family? Do you do this without your spouse being present?

Do you spend time with the opposite gender when without your spouse?

Do you put your marriage first, or do other relationships take priority?

What is appropriate to post on social media? About you or about your family?

What is an appropriate way to resolve conflict when one or both of you is highly reactive or prone to take the blame?

Boundaries are essential for you in your marriage because the breaking of boundaries is also a breaking of trust 2.

Why Do You Need Boundaries?

This video below explains a little more about what having boundaries looks like in our lives. Brene Brown, PhD, said that “Boundaries are freaking important! They are not thick walls, they are not separation, boundaries are not division, they are respect for here’s what’s okay for me, and here’s what’s not” 2. Please watch the following video: Boundaries with Brene Brown

Why should you have healthy and established boundaries in your marriage? It is simple. You will become a more compassionate 2, loving person. When we understand what our boundaries look like and how to make and keep them healthy, your relationships are “bound by love and respect” 5.

With open, healthy boundaries, you will better understand yourself and your spouse, as well as be able to better respect the boundaries that are needed by both of you, and your marriage 5. You will be able to stand up for the boundaries of your marriage because you will know what they are, know why they are important, and want to maintain them so you can experience the most happiness in your marriage.

Boundaries in Marriage

As a spouse, we need to communicate both what is and what is not okay. We cannot expect our husband or wife to read our minds. Communication is the most helpful when it is straightforward and done with love.

My husband and I have been living with our parents for a year, splitting the time between his mom and my parents. As newlyweds who are trying to get to know each other, learn how to live with each other, and establish routines and traditions, we have had to set boundaries as a couple in order to progress in our relationship.

We decided before we were ever married that the details of our marriage would not be discussed with parents, other family members, or friends. That is a boundary.

My husband talked to me about how I sometimes dismiss what he says about a question I have, by going and asking my mom… I did NOT know I was even doing this! When my husband brought it up to me, we had a really great discussion about why trusting him, even in everyday, mundane things, is important to him. Boundary! I need to intentionally listen to and trust my spouse. I don’t need to run to my mom for help, I need to run to my spouse and trust him.

In both instances of living with our parents we lived in the basement. For us, this basement is our home and we treat going downstairs as if we were leaving our parent’s house and heading back home. We love our parents but recognize the need for time together. Boundary! We don’t revert back to being the child in the home to satisfy our parents. We make time for each other and treat our living space as a home that is 15 miles away so that we aren’t so enmeshed with our family roles.

Boundaries need to not only be recognized but discussed. My husband and I make it a point to talk about the things that come up that we feel need to change. Boundary setting should not be a one-time event, but a continuous conversation that allows boundaries to be respectfully recognized, discussed, established, upheld, and sometimes even altered.

“When boundaries are clarified, it helps us to know where one person ends and the other begins. What is the problem, and where is it? Is it in you, or is it in me? Once we know the boundaries, we know who should be owning whichever problem we are wrestling with. 1”

Not All Boundaries Are Healthy

Sometimes we create half of a boundary, such as when we recognize what is not okay, and then the behavior continues as a result of us simply not talking about the boundary that needs to be created. We create it in our mind, but fail to discuss, and establish it.

Boundaries established in absolutes by using words such as “always” and “never”, are unhealthy boundaries 1. Vague boundaries are often violated or not “followed” as expected; this can negatively impact marriage.

Boundaries are not about control 1. Boundaries that seek to control or dictate another are not healthy. Unhealthy boundaries founded in control need to be reorganized. The goal is not to control your spouse, but to create a space where you can both run freely within the boundaries that will protect and help you 1. Your marriage does not need control, it needs understanding.

Boundaries are hard for the people pleaser. Trust me my friends, I am the first to raise my hand for help when asked to balance boundaries and my need to please people. When we create boundaries and fail to live within them, it becomes impossible to live our life within the bounds we feel are necessary.

Rachel Hollis, entrepreneur and author, is passionate about keeping promises you yourself, inspired by her I would like to add a twist to her words 3: Never break a promise you make to your marriage! When you set boundaries, I want you to set them like you mean it. Don’t break them, and don’t let others break them either!

How to Recognize and Establish Healthy Boundaries

The important thing to remember is that everyone has boundaries, not just you. Grab a notebook and pen and write a few things down for us. This is great to do individually and with your spouse. Think about, discuss, and write down your answers to the following questions I have compiled for you:

Do we discuss the details about our marriage with friends or family? Do we do this without our spouse being present?

Do we spend time with the opposite gender when without each other?

Do we put your marriage first, or do other relationships take priority?

What is appropriate to post on social media? Individually and about the family?

What is an appropriate way to resolve conflict when one or both of us is highly reactive or prone to take the blame?

These questions can help you get where you want to be in your marriage. David Kantor, PhD, sated that as “a family maintains its boundaries [it is able to filter out] any external elements that seem hostile to the goals and policies of the family, while at the same time, incorporating [elements] that are deemed beneficial 4,5.”

Creating boundaries can be difficult, but we know that doing so will allow to you to lay the groundwork for your marital roots to grow and strengthen. With established boundaries comes trust, freedom, and the ability to better care for and love one another. You can do this!

Resources

1. Cloud, Henry., Townsend, John. (2020). What are boundaries in marriage. Retrieved from https://www.boundariesbooks.com/what-are-boundaries-in-marriage/

2. Murphy, Mary-Anne. (2019, June 16). Boundaries with Brene Brown [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5U3VcgUzqiI&feature=youtu.be

3. Hollis, Rachel. (2018). Girl wash your face. Nashville TN: Nelson Books.

4. Kantor, David., Lehr, William. (2003). Inside the family. Cambridge, MA: Meredith Winter Press.

5. Smith, Suzanne R., Hamon, Raeann R. (2017). Exploring family theories. New York, NY: Oxford University Press.